Edward H. Plimpton, PhD Your Anxious Child: Emails to Parents
The Kid Figures it Out
Amid the despair and discouragement concerning whether your anxious child will actually get better, there is the potential for something amazing to be overlooked. At all levels of our body we have the capacity and tendency to self-heal. A Band-Aid after all only supports the body healing from a cut or scrape; the immune system does the job. And well-known artists such as Steven Spielberg have said that their art is a way that they master the fear they had as a child. But guess what? If we are not watching we can miss a child inventing their own cure for anxiety all on their own.
A three-year-old boy enters a daycare full of enthusiasm only to discover that one of the popular books in the classroom is Going on a Bear Hunt. This is a rhyming, interactive book in which a family goes on a “bear hunt” only to run away quickly at the first hint of the bear. He had overheard his older sister’s enjoyment of this book at home, but at his two-plus years it was just too scary for him. But there was that dreaded book again, and the problem was that all of the other children were enjoying it and he didn’t want to be left out. Over the next several months, in small steps, he gradually got over his fear without any direct help from adults. At first, whenever the book was being read, he would leave the room in a hurry. This lasted for several weeks. Then he began peeking around the corner and listening until the family got close to the bear. Another month or two. Then he began he nuzzle up to the adult who was reading the book and then exit when it got to the scary part. Another month or so. Then he requested a blanket so he could hear about the bear hiding in his cave. Then he pretended to be the bear and chased the other children in the classroom at the end of the book. And his pleasure at mastering his fear was evident, a process that unfolded gently and gradually over several months, guided by his own internal psychological “immune” system. A therapist could not have devised a better plan.
Related to the value of taking incremental steps in dealing with anxiety is developing the capacity to tolerate tension. A high school girl had struggled with separation anxiety all of her life, and it had interfered with her having adventures during the summer as well getting together with her friends. But she explained that she has begun to really enjoy the tension and suspense of Alfred Hitchcock movies. She made it clear that she did not like the horror movies or gory movies that some of her peers are drawn to, but the Hitchock films involved her in the feeling of suspense. On her own, she has devised a program to increase her capacity to tolerate tension and anxiety. This improvised movie therapy exposed her to emotional tension and anxiety in a way which she could manage and feel empowered by. She was learning to face her fear.
An eighth grader who was voracious reader explained that she had seen a Disney movie when she was in second grade and it gave her nightmares. But she found as her parents were reading to her at night, her interest in the story made the anxiety disappear. She quickly became an avid reader. Now her top ten favorite books would easily match that of any adult. She had found a way, again on her own, to focus her attention in an extremely productive manner.
These children invented a cure for their anxiety. They did need a safe and supportive environment for this natural capacity to emerge. But given some minimal support, a natural healing process took place. Perhaps, you can catch your child inventing his/her own solutions to mastering those worries.
copyright@Edward H. Plimpton, PhD
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